Close

Know when you're really close to someone?

When you can openly criticize each other without hurting each others' feelings.

Octavia E. Butler

I really enjoy reading science fiction works from Octavia E. Butler. Brilliant writer indeed. I absolutely loved reading Kindred senior year, and was pleasantly surprised to have been assigned to read Parable of the Sower for English class this quarter. It definitely was at times suspenseful and entertaining, but lacked some type of quality that Kindred possessed. Don't know if I can pinpoint it since I'd have to reread Kindred. Anyways,something Butler said that is worth stating about potential impediments to forget about:

"First forget inspiration. Habit is more dependable. Habit will sustain you whether you're inspired or not. Habit will help you finish and polish your stories. Inspiration won't. Habit is persistence in practice" (Butler 141).

And something I can totally relate with her on (from her autobiographical essay published in Essence magazine:

"Shyness is shit. It isn't cute or feminine or appealing. It's torment, and it's shit. I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence staring at the ground. It's a wonder I didn't become a geologist" (Butler 127).

Reading that made me laugh out loud. It is great when we can look back on the past and laugh. What great humor the woman had. I love you Octavia E. Butler. May you rest in peace.

The one that consumes my heart, my mind, my soul

My阿媽...since you left I've always been thinking of you. I always thought about how I missed you so much, how I wish I could see you when I'm awake and not dreaming. Today is the first time since you passed that I ever wondered what it would be like if you were still here. You were the Number 1 in my life. I love you so much.

I am a bitch

So I decided to lay it down to the world that I acknowledge I can be a bitch. Let's just say...sometimes I say things that make people mad. Hey, the truth isn't always so dandy, and I can say it like it is. And I should say that no one's always nice. Just like no one's a fully good or bad person. We're all mixed with nice, mean, good, bad, and whatever else is out there. But I want to say that I'm sorry for being a mean, bitchy girl...and that I'll try to change. Some people just bring out the worst in me...I should get rid of them for the betterment of my life.

Oh, I should add that I realize I can be stubborn also. Seriously sorry for that as well.

____________________________________________________

10/27

I have had a relapse of bitchy-ness since this post. In all honesty, it has gotten worse since yesterday. I would like to say I'm just PMSing and my hormones are all out of whack, but I know there's some deep, underlying reason that I consciously don't want to admit. Ok, I guess part of the truth has already surfaced -- I'm assuming one of the reasons of this bitchy episode is because I feel alone. As you can see this is one of the biggest subjects I seem to be big on. Being bitchy is my way of expressing my anger. I pick fights with family members and get my grill on all over 'em. Not proud of it because it doesn't make me feel good inside, but I promise tomorrow morning this episode will end.

Sorry to all whom this concerns.

About Love

"If you do not know what you feel, then it is difficult to choose love; it is better to fall. Then you do not have to be responsible for your actions.(hooks 194)"

Something from my women's studies (and no, women's studies/feminism is not about men haters...it's about equality for women) textbook revealing how some people think. That's exactly what I choose to do.

"To love somebody is not just a strong feeling- it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go...The desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will- namely, both an intention and action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. (194)"

"It was difficult for me to really take out a piece of paper and evaluate myself to see if I was able to give the love I wanted to receive. And even more difficult to make a list of the qualities I wanted to find in a mate. I listed ten items. And then when I applied the list to men I had chosen as potential partners, it was painful to face the discrepancy between what I wanted and what I had chosen to accept. We fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal there is no one for us to love. Most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all. What becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love. (194)"

That made me feel a little bit better...seeing as to how I'm picky about "finding the right person". Who knows if he even exists? Funny how I'm not a picky person when it comes to other things...but I guess playing in the field of love is not something to be taken lightly.

Wave of Emotions

Dear Blog,
This window has been open for quite a while...maybe a good 5-10 minutes. I really felt like I was gonna say something, but I don't know what to say for I don't even know what I'm feeling right now other than slight depression and loneliness. I know EVERYONE feels this way from time to time, but that doesn't make me feel any better...at all. To be honest, I think going back to school made me face the reality of everything. It made me realize how much sophomore year sucks - just like I expected. If my sophomore year of middle AND high school sucked...Why should college be any different? It's like a curse that I anticipated. But I was HONESTLY hoping for the best. When I was working, I was too exhausted to think about anything. Too tired and busy to dwell or reflect on my true fears. Anyways...I really much rather be working full time than going to school. I've been sooo fortunate to have great co-workers and bosses that care about me in the two jobs I've acquired so far (for the most part at least). And the pros are...I get paid for being there and my job doesn't require me to do extra work once I get home. Ok, the main thing is...I want a change to happen. I want to actually LIVE for myself and not worry about trivial things. There's just so much I want to do. I want to take a year off and teach English in South Korea, and the year after that, teach English in Taiwan. I want to open my own shop of some kind. I want to fight for justice and become a private investigator, or work as a detective at some police station. I want a change of setting and a change of lifestyle. You know, SO MANY people have been giving me a hard time about going to junior college and how that's not a "real" college experience. I can't say I regret my choice, but I honestly couldn't see myself anywhere else. Maybe that's my problem. I'm only comfortable with doing things I can picture - although what I've done during this summer says otherwise. It is easier to be spontaneous than to picture your future. It's funny though. I feel like I'm really old since I can remember a lot about my childhood. It's hard to believe I used to be as big as a watermelon. Just thinking back on those years seems like gazing through a telescope - a view extremely distant and unimaginable. I really hope this quarter doesn't treat me too unkindly. The first week already has been kind of rough. I'm really not looking forward to 6 essays, 2 of which require interviews, and 3 of which are due around the same time. Not looking forward to 12 hrs of community service related to politics either. I know I can get through this crap though -- I always do. Which is a funny concept. Humans are the only animals that put themselves through dangerous or risky situations. We're also the only animals that do stuff we don't want to do. How great would it be to be a strand of grass in some park? To not have to worry about anything...ever.

Just a ramble

Why is it that every workplace has its drama? I have seen time and again that people can be so deceiving and condescending no matter what gender or how old they are. I really don't know where to begin as SO much crap has happened since I started working full time as a contractor. This just reminds me how it was to work as a cashier at Michaels. Granted, the environment was completely different, but issues still arise and are emotionally draining. I'd have to say that Michaels was more of an issue, although highly exciting...and at times adrenaline arose. How often do you get to see a person try to pay you with an obviously fake $20 bill? How often is it that you get in a heated argument with a customer? How often is it that some customer tries to con you for hundreds of dollars? Nevertheless, it's just good to know that someone is on your side for a change. Somehow I feel that things can still manage to get worse - and may just so...

As of right now I don't feel like listing out all the current problems, but rather focus on the good stuff.

There's really nothing bad about working at "my mom's company", just that some college students like myself are quite deceitful and LAZY, my sub-boss can be inconsiderate, and to top it off - it's BORING. On the other hand, there are a lot of nice people, I don't have strict break times, and I get free drinks. Oh right...I also get paid to sit and do monotonous tasks. Nevertheless, I'll cherish the good times...the rare good times.

On a different note:

I had a dream of my deceased grandmother for the first time in years (a dream of her that I remember). I believe she was standing in front of the microwave in a kitchen - perhaps in her house, and I recall linking my left arm with her right arm. That is pretty much all I can recollect in my mind. The first dream I had of her that I can remember was probably several months after she passed away. We were at an amusement park, and at the end of the day...she just vanished before my eyes. T____T

It was good seeing her again.

State of Mind

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

-Hold On, sung by Wilson Phillips

Nothing speaks stronger than these words about state of mind and the power of perception.

I do realize I posted a bazillion times today, but I always have things in my head...just never really get them out. And because I'm awake at 4:34AM, I will continue to post.

So there is ONE song that I think has THE best lyrics of this decade. Beautiful song by Jim Brickman...I believe he composed and wrote the song. By the way...Jim Brickman also wrote "Valentine", sung by Martina McBride <3 So...back to THE SONG CALLED "Never Alone". It's sung by a great country band called Lady Antebellum (country music really is great...great music and MEANINGFUL, UNIQUE, ELOQUENT lyrics unlike most mainstream music out today).

Song can be found: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pXrMPtCVcE

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Pleasant Surprise

OH...MY...GOD. I just Googled an old Chinese learning center I went to yearrssss ago. I was probably in 5th grade? I have NO idea why my mom sent me to this random poetry class. I still remembered the teacher's name and did not expect to find anything about him on the website. Apparently he has been teaching there since 1997. Who knew that place existed over a decade ago? Amazing. Anyways, he was a pretty boring teacher, but it still had some impact on me. I've always been fond of poetry, and taking that class probably heightened my interest. Okay...I've been awake for over 15 hours now so my mind is all over the place, and my grammar is probably off, but OH WELL.
...
Onto next topic.

So my former violin teacher called me on Saturday around 1PM to ask me a silly question. But knowing her, it's because she probably missed me so much. Hahaha...Oh, how I wish. Anyhow, it was really nice hearing from her because I always miss her. I recall having violin lessons right after school, and how because she lives like right in front of the high school (only lives 2 blocks away), she would sometimes make me things to eat. I would walk into the studio and find her homemade salsa with tortilla chips, dumplings, etc. waiting for me on the table nearly every week. She told me once or twice that she was afraid I'd be hungry after school. (How sweet is that??) When there wasn't food waiting for me, I'd be kind of disappointed because I felt that her food showed how much I meant to her. How silly of me. That was in junior year of high school.

Anyways, I actually saw her pretty recently...in June she called me up and asked me to perform at her picnic event.

So a little background about my life with a great teacher. I went to Chinese school, and she was my 7th Grade teacher. Dang, was that a long time ago. ANYHOW...she's such an amazing teacher...she's honestly one of the BEST I've ever known. Her teaching method was unlike any other, and very effective. Anyways...one day during Chinese class, my mom talked to her and found out she was a violin and piano teacher...so that's how she received our business (aka money). At first I was reluctant to take violin lessons...just because I always hated that awkwardness of getting to know a teacher and how it's a one-on-one kinda thing. This was ESPECIALLY awkward because not only was she my CHINESE school teacher, but now I was actually going to her house to take MORE lessons. Oh...the irony. She's not exactly young. She's EXTREMELY clutsy, clumsy, whatever you wanna call it. She could drop a dry erase marker, then drop the white board eraser. This kinda stuff happened ALL the time. It was annoying, funny, amusing, and cute all at the same time. Maaan...do I love that woman. She's one of the most wonderful people I'm so lucky to have met.

我愛您， 王老師 <3

Sometimes I Wish

You speak to me
In such a distant manner
After all those years
None of it mattered

Sometimes it feels
Like I don't even know you
Sometimes I wish
You'd cared

I wish you'd
Care enough to tell me
What's on your mind
And what you feel
Without my inquire

Sometimes I wish
You wouldn't neglect me
Forget about me
Push me aside

Sometimes I wish
You'd tell me
How much you cared

mum and dad

Parents can be EXTREMELY annoying. Especially my mom. She annoys me to no end. Every single day she raises my blood pressure. She's stupid, really petty, and if she were your mom...you'd understand my pain. Nevertheless, I can't say I hate her. At times I do dislike her and wonder how I ever ended up with her as my mom...or who in the world would marry someone like her...but what kid doesn't get annoyed of their mom? Sometimes she does the nicest things (like make my lunch, give me money, etc). My dad on the other hand...ALMOST as annoying as my mom. Comes as a close second. Sometimes he scares the crap out of everyone when he suddenly thinks of something and yells out, "HEY!" *real long pause* (because his brain is slow and he takes forever to think of what he's trying to say). Hahaha, I can be mean. However, he really is the common-sense kind of guy in the family. I've got to say he's pretty much the wisest man I'll ever know. I remember when I was little and stubbed a finger or something, he told me to put pressure on it so I wouldn't bruise. At first I didn't believe him. I told him it hurt so much to press on my finger, but he told me it really works. Since that day on, every time I know I'm gonna bruise, I apply pressure and rub it hard for several minutes. Thank you, Daddy! You can be really annoying, but I love ya. Love you too, mum.

Reiterating a Previous Complaint

I know I've already said this before in a previous post about "Americans", but here I go again...

case in point:

my speech teacher said on the first day of class how although he is white, his parents are immigrants from holland. yes, if he went anywhere in America he wouldn't be perceived any differently from any other white people...and he could "blend in", but needless to say...every white person in America was an immigrant from somewhere. AND America is NOT just black and white.

I read a book called Yellow: Race in America Beyond Black and White by Frank Wu in junior year. veryverygoodbook!

Michael Jackson

I remember several years ago how rapidly the rumors of Michael Jackson and the molestation charges surfaced. It did not take long for many to believe the media; how Michael Jackson was a child molester. I also recall how in summer classes at a tutoring center about 8 years ago, we somehow got into that topic. It was the first and most significant time I remember anyone standing up for Michael Jackson, stating that Michael Jackson was NOT a child molester. And that was my math tutor (truly a wise man, although quite an ass in the first summer I met him). I won't ever forget how he knocked some sense into everyone, including me. God, sometimes the media can really blow things out of proportion or outright lie and destroy someone's life. That's really an understatement. Anyway, even then I didn't get what was so great about Michael Jackson (despite viewing several of his performances years before the accusations). I didn't see why he was crowned the "King of Pop" or why millions upon millions of people loved him.

Until now.

Last weekend, nearly a year after his death, I watched MJ's "This is it" documentary on TV. I FINALLY understand what other people see in him. I FINALLY acknowledge how great of a performer he really is. Ironically, I watched Oprah's show today with clips of her interview with MJ from 1994, before charges were pressed against him. It revealed how incredible a person he was - generous, kind, loving. How he never really got a childhood, which is why he created Neverland to compensate for his loss. How lonely life was for him. His struggles with fame.

Tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. T____T Although his fans didn't know him personally, his death did shake the whole world. I still can't really believe that he's gone.

RIP MJ <3

Purpose of Life

Why do people keep asking themselves what the purpose of life is when the answer is so obvious? Is the purpose of living to go to school, get a job, make tons of money? Are we so different from other living organisms? We're living in our own created world called civilization, while the "wildlife" are living in theirs. When I think about it, it always amazes me how we survive solely on the fact that technology exists. Without it, we would all be nonexistent from either not evolving from sahelanthropus tchadensis or being devoured by mountain lions and whatever else is out there.

So the purpose of life?

To survive.

Without a Doubt

You have no idea how much I miss you
How much I care about you
How I wanted to scream, "Don't go"
How I craved to know you inside and out
But what I saw only scraped the surface

You have no idea how much I want to
hear from you again
listen to your voice
telling me one of your stories
submerge myself into your life

You have no idea how badly I want to
see you again
know you really exist
that you were there for me
as i was there for you

You have no idea how much I want to know
you care about me
think of me
will be there for me

You have no idea
How greatly attached I got to you

But soon you will be
Just another memory

I love life

Ahhh...life is like a love and hate relationship. Most of the time it's whatever, pretty dull. But sometimes life can be full of wonderful surprises! ^^

I love life, life loves me
Everything in the world makes me happy.

-I love life, Melissa Lefton

Hahaha, it's like I'm high on something. But I know it's because this has been one of the greatest birthdays ever! Seems like it has been my birth date every day since Friday. I love everything and everyone.

Oh crap, just remembered I totally bombed my accounting midterm this morning. -______- *back to being emo*

and OMG. I'M SHORT ON SUGAR AND FLOUR @___@ couldn't bake anything all week because no one has bought me any. must..go..out..and..buy..some..

I can't believe school is ending so soon!! It's pretty depressing. No more favorite accounting professor. No more familiar faces. No more love. Why do things have to change?? I have always despised change. It's hard to let go...ok, not really. Just stop thinking and reminiscing doesn't become such a sad, sad pastime.

Wow, good job Carolyn...just made yourself ecstatic to emo. Haha, just kidding. Why am I talking to myself in 3rd person? x__X

Blueberry Madness (Dessert Blog 2)

Today I made blueberry pancakes :D I was glad to see they actually turned out to look and taste like pancakes (albeit not as good as IHOP's) but at least they weren't all soggy and gross like the ones my mom made from some pancake mix she got at Trader Joe's. And they weren't as bad as the soggy, spongy, gross ones my sister made from scratch (possibly due to using whole wheat flour). NEVER EVER use whole wheat flour for anything other than bread, because it really screws up food. Hours later I made BLUEBERRY MUFFINS ^^ They totally look nice, so I am proud of myself. And to my surprise, my family likes them. My aunt, cousin, and sister like them very much...all of whom are my strongest critics. For some reason, whatever I make doesn't taste like anything to me x____X Anyways, I was going to make a blueberry crumble pie, but I only have 2 out of the 6 needed cups of blueberries left. So off to Costco my parents will go sometime this week to buy me my much needed supply of blueberries.

No worries, I'm not getting fat because I only test taste what I make. Haha...most of it goes in my mom's stomach -_______- I am worried about causing her an early death...but she really needs to learn self control.

Maaann...I was gonna upload pics of my blueberry muffin but I can't find the phone USB to upload. SIIGH...

Dessert Blog 1

Decided to start recording the desserts I make. Today morning I made a souffle. I should've taken a picture of it, but I ate it already ><;; I admit it's not bad, nothing real special about it...although I don't have anything to compare it to as I've never ordered a souffle from a restaurant. I really should someday. Anyways, I will definitely take a picture of it once I make it again (a better one as I didn't fold the egg whites in well enough...which you could obviously tell since the egg whites really was apparent). What to make next? Blueberry pancakes, blueberry muffins, blueberry pie, sugar cookies, or chocolate cake? All from scratch btw. We shall see.

Henry Poole Is Here

Honestly, one of the most riveting films I've ever watched in my life. Despite crying in every remotely touching/emotional film I watch, this film literally took my breath away. At one point I got choked up and didn't realize I was holding my breath until, well...I had to breathe. Although the ending was a bit predictable, it was the shots that made this movie so incredible. The movie didn't have as much dialogue as almost all other films have these days, but sometimes less is more. Granted, this movie WAS about faith and God, but it is totally about something much, MUCH more than that. I would say it hits home with the human psyche. I thank you, Ms. Vanni, for your film unit which taught me to see much more in film than meets the eye. It wasn't until I watched this movie that I was reminded of the tools and techniques of film you have taught me exactly a year ago. It is art, and Henry Poole Is Here is truly a PHENOMENAL motion picture.

Unrelated to this post, although really...everything is relative:

"Everything is valuable under the right conditions. To a man dying of thirst, water be more precious than gold. To a drowning man, water be of little worth and great trouble."
- pg 176, Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind

Profound? I definitely think so.

I almost forgot the joy of reading.

American Idol

SO incredibly disappointed that Crystal Bowersox did not win American Idol. Honestly, since the beginning of this season I truly thought she would win this whole thing. There is no doubt whatsoever that she brings such joy and emotion to surge through with every performance. T_____T

Needless to say, I voted for her like crazy during this season.

BUT IT WAS SOOOO GOOD TO SEE TAYLOR HICKS SINGING IN THE FINALE, EVEN IF IT WAS JUST FOR 10 SECONDS. I miss the guy...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, MY A-MA <3 R.I.P.

Story of my Life

"I lied to you, I think about dying every day."
-Will Smith as Ben Thomas, Seven Pounds

Friends

"I want to laugh when you laugh
I want to have fun when you have fun
I want to grieve with you when you're grieving
When you are sad, I want to cry with you
That's what a friend is, right?"
-Maki Horikita in Hana Kimi

MAKI-CHAN~~~ COME BE MY FRIEND!! *jumps in her arms*

Although Hana Kimi didn't stir me in any way at the beginning, I realized as the episodes went on (especially the last few episodes) how the whole theme was really about the importance of friendship.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living such a futile life, but when I look back at all the memories, I realize what a full life I already have. (realization: accomplishments really don't matter, in the end it's the people and places that remain embedded in your heart and soul. Just like the saying, "It's not the destination that counts...It's the journey that matters the most." ...Or however it goes.)

At this moment I am once again grateful of the living being I am.

Anyways...IKUTA TOMA, AISHITERU YO~~~

Near the End of the Road

The sun's still shining in the deep blue sky
But it don't mean nothing to me
Oh, let the rain come down
Let the wind blow through me
I'm living in an empty room
With all the windows smashed
And I've got so little left to lose
That it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass
-Walking on Broken Glass, Annie Lennox

I tell myself that I'm prepared for the death of my fish since he/she is progressively getting worse, but I'm lying. I feel so incredibly helpless and I HATE seeing my fish suffer. I know that every living being eventually has to die, and perhaps that does bring some little form of comfort, but I can't stop thinking about Mr./Ms. Goldi-duke/Goldilocks. I hate being alone with my thoughts. It really is my greatest enemy. Anyway, unless some great miracle occurs my fish will probably die. This may be the last post I type before the time comes, because things really aren't looking promising at all.

This is my last cry of plea: Please, PLEASE, PLEEEEASE, God, wherever you are, I BEG of you to help me and my fish. Let him/her overcome this illness despite the odds. Please...

UPDATE- 5 min after last post

I change my mind. Please let my fish die if it is inevitable in this situation. I can't watch him/her in this state anymore. It's too hard. Either way it's selfish of me. I do want my fish alive and well, but that doesn't seem possible. Right now is all that matters, and he/she is clearly struggling to survive. When goldfish are sick, it's extremely hard for recovery. Again, selfish of me, but the quicker this is all over the faster I'll get over it. Or at least I'm hoping. It's not like this is my first fish to die, but nevertheless, it hurts. I've had goldfish all my life, the longest living about 8 years. Perhaps I shouldn't have any pets anymore or else this whole cycle will continue to go on over and over again.

A Sunken Soul

I have a massive headache right now. This'll be quick...after a blunder of words, off the computer will be again. Inside I feel hollow, so hollow that I don't know if I am able to express my emotions right now. How so much crap drops like a bomb in less than a week is incredibly beyond antagonizing. And believe me, I KNOW shit happens.

One of the things I wish to say: Mr./Ms. Goldi-duke/Goldilocks please, Please, PLEASE get well soon. You don't know how stressed out I have been the past three days watching you practically lifeless on the bottom of the aquarium. The medication cost 11 times the amount I paid for you, and my dad said to just let you suffer and buy more fish. Nevertheless, I stood up for you and told my dad off. A living being has a right to live, and it is my duty as your caretaker to do all in my power to keep you alive. I'm sorry for neglecting to clean your tank due to my extreme laziness, but now I promise you I will take better care of you. You don't know how many hours I stayed up researching what possible disease you have, and how to cure you. I love you so, SO, much...so PLEASE pull through or I'll die inside. I truly hope the medication helps...

A second message: To my great great aunt...I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you passed away today. It's been 8 years since I last saw you, and you have NO IDEA how many times in the past few years I've BEGGED my mom to let me go to Hong Kong to visit you. She finally booked tickets to Hong Kong this December, but now it's too late. You've lived to be 104 years old, of which two decades or so were spent in a nursery home. I remember visiting you when I was in 4th grade and thinking how frail you were. It frightened to see you so weak, but I was glad at how happy you seemed. My mom said how you were good at remembering people's birthdays, although I'm not so sure you remembered me, let alone my birthday. I really hope there is a heaven so I can see you once again. Rest in Peace.

Another message: To my uncle...I don't know if you came out of the coma yet after the brain surgery a couple weeks ago. I know it's been a couple months since you've been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and again, it's been 8 years since I last saw you. I know we're not close at all due to distance and time, but I vividly remember what you look like and hope to see you in full recovery...all healthy, happy, and worry-free in December. JIA YOU!!!

I know it's not the end of the world for me and things will hopefully turn out for the better. And I know that all families have issues. Right now, however, I feel immense empathy to O'Neal (from the Biggest Loser) and his family. He went to the hospital after falling down on his back on concrete ground due to his knee injury. That was terrifying to watch. To top things off, after coming back with a huge brace on his leg, he found out his oldest brother died from cancer...and he was overly distraught that he did not have a chance to be with him to say goodbye. I LOVE YOU O'NEAL.

Okay, this post was really pointless but I needed to get things out. I know that saying 'No one understands' is stupid because that would mean I believe the world revolves around me. And bad things happen to everyone. I wish I could open up more to people (and perhaps talk about my feelings), because it seems like everyone is so distant. I acknowledge that it's all my fault. I wish there was more time...

"So far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away..."
-So Far Away, Carole King

I don't see why some people are ethnocentric. It has ALWAYS annoyed me how people boast about their ethnicity. And usually it's "subtle", or so people think they're portraying it that way. Does it really matter where you or your parents came from? There are countless others from wherever the place may be. Moreover, it's not like anyone can help where they were born. For God's sake there is only one race, and that's the HUMAN RACE. By the way, I got that from a poster that was hung up in my 11th grade math teacher's wall. Till this day it strikes a cord with me. I just read a post some guy wrote about how there isn't such a thing called the human race, and people who say that are just in denial about racism. AND THAT'S WHERE HE'S WRONG. Well basically, his whole post is full of crap. There is a SIGNIFICANT difference between the two, and like a replier said, it is scientifically proven that there isn't any correlation (although anyone with common sense and some deciency would know regardless of scentific evidence). Race is just a social construct created to separate ourselves and make us feel different from each other. Research upon research has shown that all our ancestors derived from Africa, and that our DNA is more like an African's than that of our own "race". Furthermore, we are all humans, no? Hence, we are of the HUMAN r a c e. Anyways, I've ranted about this in my head over and over again, and now it's finally time to put it down permenantly (at 3:15ish AM). I ABSOLUTELY hate it when people say stuff like, "Oh, those Americans wear shoes inside the house making the floor dirty." (One of the worst teachers I've had said that, and I won't mention where she's from because that is totally unnecessary). That pissed me off. She also said many other outrageous things. Ridiculously, it's not the only thing I've heard about "Americans". And you have NO IDEA how often people say stuff like that. Obviously in almost every case where people say "Americans" they refer to generally, white people. When I hear that I blow up inside. Even those who are born in the United States say that kind of stuff (obviously non-Caucasians). It's truly a mockery. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, "I'M AMERICAN". Recently, maybe just a couple of weeks ago, a friend said how white people aren't smart and that asians are because we study, study, study. This was befuddling and kind of upsetting. I told her, "No...there ARE smart, white people", but I doubt she listened. I'd be wrong to say we're not different. But just as we are much alike, we are completely different as individuals.

LIFE IS GOOD :D

Last one standing

I know full well (perhaps all too well), what it's like to be the odd one out - to be singled out, stared at...to feel so incredibly fragile, insecure, and inferior. There are so many adjectives to define a part of me in a chapter of my life that is quite embarrassing, but I've moved on. I do believe things happen for a reason, and I know because of the obstacles I overcame years ago that I've become a stronger person. Why am I writing about this? Because today I witnessed a boy who was left group-less for some class assignment. Maybe I should have said or done something, but I didn't feel compelled to. I already had a group of 3, which was the maximum allowed, and since it was the end of class I wanted to bolt out and embrace FREEDOM. Man...I so despise myself right now. To hear the guy being shot down after asking the teacher if he could do the assignment alone just hurts. This reminds me of a boy in my lit class in senior year who did everything alone. Sometimes you want to reach out but your body doesn't want to budge. Do I regret it? Possibly somewhere deep down in my conscience I do. Knowing you could've done something but didn't isn't exactly the best feeling anyone could ever have. (What ever happened to CARPE DIEM?) But I know if someone showed me compassion in a situation like this, I would think the world of them. Just knowing someone notices you and cares about you, particularly a stranger who isn't a creeper, is truly a wonderful feeling.

Someone once told me that although loneliness hurts, it is conquerable. Thank you. ^^ That's one of the most inspirational things I've ever heard. (Although if you're battling any type of depression it probably wouldn't be the greatest advice).

I end with incredible lyrics that in a way relate to this blog, but most importantly, hit home with me:

"Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday...
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone"
-Someday, Rob Thomas

I am an avoid-er. I don't like having unnecessary pressure, and I don't like responsibility. Considering how fast days, months, and years pass by, it'll be in no time that I'll have to depend on myself for everything. And THAT scares me. It feels like there will come a day when I take a step and sink into quicksand. There won't be any way to prepare me for it, and I'll have to fend for myself. Anyway, this all does wrap up into multiple stories that occurred quite recently. So the Arts & Crafts club I'm in is...needless to say, vanishing. There aren't nearly as many members and the officers will all be transferring by the end of the school year, so they asked me if I wanted to be President and gather 3 other officers needed to sustain the club they had created a couple years ago. Obviously, I'm not the leader type, and I hate responsibility. But how do I say no? It's so hard that when she asked me I replied, "Maybe...", and gave her my contact information anyway. If she weren't so nice it probably would have been easier to say something along the lines of, "NO, SHUT UP, AND DON'T ASK ME AGAIN". So now I'm here, frustrated, sitting...thinking about what to say the next time I see her... What a burden...Thinking can be such a nuisance.

On a different note, it's so discouraging how time seems to drag the ones that meant the most to you and returns them into someone you don't know as well anymore. Or what's even worse...when you never get a chance to speak with them ever again, not because of death, but the distance (whether mentally or physically). So onto a random conversation I had recently with a great buddy I used to chat with every single day years and years ago. Somehow my friend and I got into a conversation about being quiet, introverted, and shy people. We both aren't severely introverted, we just like to keep out of large crowds. He asked me if I would ever wish to be more extroverted, and I said 'no'. There's just no way for as long as I have lived to change who I am. When I was little I had the bad case of shyness. Whenever anyone would talk to me I'd hang on to my mom to answer for me. As years progressed, I have definitely come farther, but I'm still not one to play the role of a leader. In the case of group work or whatever, if I'm comfortable with the people, I can lead. If there are obnoxious or extroverted people in the group, I can't pretend to be one of them. I'm the one sitting quietly and listening - but not exactly willingly following his/her command. I'm not a leader, but I'm not entirely a follower.

Ok...this blog is officially a mess. Everything is everywhere and this all seems like a run on rant. I don't know why I'm writing this useless blog, which sounds kinda emo :/ Which is not at all what I'm feeling. I'm feeling...mellow.

Althoughhhhh...I am extremely excited to be going to Hong Kong this December (RIDING IN BUSINESS FOR THE FIRST TIME OF MY LIFE) to visit my relatives and eat good food and shop all day! I truly hope I'm alive and healthy to see that day. It's already been 8 LOOONG years.

Guilty

So now I'm gonna post on ME. and just me. because I need to clear this guilt from my mind. There's this guy in both my accounting and statistics class who skipped just two classes and asked me for notes. The first time I didn't mind, but the second time...I admit I was a bit annoyed. I don't know why; sometimes it feels like I can't control my emotions. I hate that. I hate getting annoyed, hate being mean and thinking things. WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN? Someone please explain it to me. So anyway, today in the beginning of stats class I asked him if he understood the accounting problem given in class, but because class was starting, I told him to continue our conversation later. At the end of class, he handed me a sheet of paper that said "I love you".













LOOOL. Okay, of course that really did not happen. I think I've been watching too many romance movies on DirectTV. And to make it clear, I'm not...in like with anyone.

But he did hand me a sheet of paper writing down in detail the part I didn't understand. It truly made me feel regretful but also surprised at the same time. Regret for feeling annoyed thinking he didn't understand how long it actually took to scan my notes and email it to him (the scanner had problems). Surprised because now that I look back, I see how he was scribbling things down hurriedly and flipping through his notebook to write down notes for me, while also trying to concentrate and take notes on stats.

Maybe he did it during stats because he didn't want to stay after class. THANK GOD THOUGH. Because I didn't want to stay any longer in class either.

Man, tomorrow during the exam, if I understand and do well on it, I'm gonna be thanking him over and over again in my head -- during and after the midterm.

The Locator

So I'm continuing my blog about Oprah shows, one that was aired last week. It's about families or friends that are reunited by "The Locator", a man who is part detective part therapist and specializes in finding a long lost loved one. I would love to have that job, and I would LOVE to see his season 4 TV series "The Locator" airing March 3rd! (Yay, more TV for me!) So the first story was about a mom that wanted to find her foster daughter. Years ago the parents had a new addition to their family- a foster baby girl. For 7 years that was their family- mom, dad, and their daughter, until the mom gave birth to her own biological daughter. After that, social services came to tell the parents that there was a family who wanted to adopt the 7-yr-old girl. The parents, having no time to explain what was going on, reluctantly watched as their little girl was being dragged into a car. Incredibly, over 2 decades later, the now 32 year old clearly remembers that horrendous day. After all those years she vividly remembers crying hysterically thinking now that her parents had their own biological kid, she was not needed for her 'service'. It wasn't until the reunion that she finally understood what really went on. And you know what's sad? For security reasons, foster parents can't get in touch with their children once they've gone to another family.

Going on in a bit of a tangent, I've ALWAYS admired people who fostered or adopted children. I remember in 6th grade a classmate told me she wants kids when she's older, and I told her that I never want my own kids. As if she knew me better than myself she replied, "When you're older you'll change your mind." Not wanting to argue, I kept quiet. First of all, I was astonished that a 12 year old preteen already knew that she wanted to get pregnant and have children. Secondly, I don't know how in the world we got to that topic. Going further into a tangent, I recall a conversation in 3rd grade about sex. Me, a girl, and some boy got into that topic somehow. I clearly remember who they were, and it makes me laugh. I wonder how they are...maybe I should get "The Locator" to track them down. Haha okay, that was lame. So anyway, I totally understand why people want their own "flesh and blood" children. But honestly, children are children. And to quote Troy Dunn (the name of "The Locator" man) , who is a man full of wisdom,"Blood is NOT thicker than water. I don't know who came up with that, but people need to stop saying that. Who loves you when you need them- THAT'S your family." All my life I've been toying with the idea of adopting a child, or possibly more than one kid (like Angelina Jolie). A family of different races would be ideal.

Love knows no differences. No gender. No color. And no species.

So on to the next amazing story. A mom of 4 kids has terminal cancer and was said to only have 3-9 months to live. However, having felt like there was emptiness in her life for not having her father, she sought "The Locator". She told him the last time she saw her father was when she was 12 years old, and that her heart broke as she watched his car backing out of the driveway. After over 2 decades, daughter and father were reunited and misunderstandings were cleared. For all her life the woman never knew why her father never came in contact with her. The problem was...her dad went to the army, and after coming back, found out his wife ran off with another man and took his only child. He tried for years to find his daughter but no relatives would help. Although all those years were gone from the absence of her father, it is truly inspiring how now her father is with her every minute of her life. He accompanies her to every doctor visit, watches his grandson's baseball games, and embraces every moment he gets with his family. Seeing him cry during the interview gave no doubt in my mind that he loves his daughter. And what Troy Dunn ("the walking book of quotes") said, "There are three sides to a story- his, hers, and the truth", really stuck in my brain. Misconceptions can have heavy consequences. That detective/therapist man is really inspiring. He said he tends to be hard on fathers, because if they're dead-beat he won't reunite the family. He went on to say how he always tries to figure out whether or not the father was trying to find his child/family and why or why not. In this case, in this story, it was apparent that the father genuinely cared and loved his daughter throughout all those years.

It's disheartening how some people wait too long to find that distant person and in the worst case have no chance of reuniting because that person has passed away. And regardless if one was adopted or whatever, children want to know who gave life to them...just because they need to know. It doesn't mean their life with their foster/adopted parents went wrong. Some questions just can't be washed away with the passage of time.

I write these stories to share and pass on what I have learned. Some things should not be forgotten, and life should be lived as fully and overly content as possible.

"You can't find peace until you find all the pieces."
-Troy Dunn

5 dollar foot long

5 dollar foot long, any any any, 5...dollar foot long

I can still hear that tune ringing in my ears. Oh my, how much time has gone by watching my beloved boob tube. Anyways, I've got to say...I've learned quite a lot from watching TV. Things I hope to God I'll never have to experience have been summarized in just an hour of each Oprah episode. (You can see where this is going, which won't exactly be pretty...so much for my happy, silly, irrelevant posts). There was a show last week of Oprah interviewing men (who have been undergoing therapy for many years) who had molested girls. It should be known that 90% of molestation occurs with someone close...the rest of the 10% are strangers. One was an old man who molested a family friend's 5 year old girl who called him 'Grandpa'. Another man was a father who molested his own 12-yr-old daughter while she was sleeping (or pretending to for the most part). The third man was one who molested his family friend and neighbor since he was about 8, and the little girl being 5. This went on until she was 17. The fourth man was one who molested 14-yr-old girls. My point is, although as disgusting they may be, molesters ARE human. They are fully aware of what they're doing, and DO regret it (well, the 4 men that are in therapy are just a few). They are trying to get back their lives as well, and lead a possibly "clean" lifestyle. Like man #3 says, he knows he destroyed the life of the girl he molested and raped, and acknowledges that there really is no difference of the two actions. Furthermore, he knows his actions killed who she could have been. As for the father who molested his daughter, he was glad she turned him in to get help. The sad part is, most girls are molested by people they trust and yearn attention and praise from; people who they think love them dearly. But molesters are manipulative, and there really is no excuse for the damage and destruction they cause.

Take a scenario and flip it around. Molesters are not only men. Earlier this week Oprah interviewed a man who was abused and molested by his own mother. The abuse started since he could remember, and the molestation occurred when he was about 8. Not only was he molested, but he was forced to do things he didn't want to do. And at that age he was prostituted- his mom would bring men inside the house and tell him they needed money to put food on the table. It's astonishing what he went through. As I write this blog I can't help crying to have seen his cute, bright smiling yearbook photos. Behind that smile was a VERY CUTE boy who yearned to be normal, have freshly washed clothes instead of the stench he wore every day, and a boy who had a mom instead of a monster. So the story goes on...his younger sister is also molested by the mother, and one day there's a man waiting in the living room for her. Being a courageous brother at around age 10, he tells his sister to hide and then tells his mother off. He talks back for perhaps the first time in his life and tells his mom that his sister is NEVER going to go through what he goes through. Of course he gets a beating from his mom and ends up doing the task that was actually set up for his sister. And what he said during the interview was, "That was the best decision I ever made." To this day his sister calls him her 'savior'. At age 15 he finally had a way to take an initiative. He stole money from his mother's purse and went to a store to call a social worker or something, and in 2 weeks was free of his mother's wrath. However, after 30 or so years, he has recurring nightmares (almost every night) of his childhood.

It's unbelievable what some people go through in closed doors. And to continue to live through all that confusion and all those mixed emotions is beyond me. Those people, the one's who undergo hardships and persevere through it all, are my heroes. And what is truly amazing is that the man loves his mother despite it all. She is, after all, his mother.

Hello DirecTV!

Who would ever have dreamt that my TV would get over 900 channels?? (or something like that) And I can record my shows to watch later!!! Maaan...I CAN FINALLY WATCH OPRAH AGAIN :D I invite you to come over so together we can both crank up my electricity bill :P We can watch movies, tvshows, and listen to the radio! Anyway, last night I was sooo excited to see "The Nanny" appear on my TV screen. T____T It's been years since I've last seen that show. I absolutely adore Fran Drescher. I finally have a good reason to be fat and lazy! Now I leave (yet another meaningful blog) with a quote from one of the most influential ladies of all time:

"Though I am grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes."

-Oprah Winfrey

Mmm

So I decided to start my blog off with one of the happiest poems I ever wrote in freshman year. (Because I'm very happy right now, probably due to all the fructose I consumed earlier this evening. Thank you yummy oranges!) Anyway, I miss Mrs. Rose...one of my most beloved lit teachers EVER. Actually I must say I was blessed to have many great lit teachers throughout my young school years. I loved each and every one of them (except my sophomore year one, which I would rather die than relive all those moments). OKAY so on to my poem (which I am obviously so proud of):

By the way, it's to the tune of the Clementine song, so if you don't know it or don't recall how it goes, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUzQy4mmT3Q

Gummy bears, yummy gummy bears, I am tempted I declare,
Jumping up those bears are taunting me with their harsh little glares.

Very colorful, dyed in dye, they shine with a great flare,
Leaving me with no choice, I eat them in a pair.

You are squishy, so juicy, tiny yummy gummy bears,
Your life has ended, and I know that it is not very fair.

But as I eat you, yummy gummy bears, I forget all my cares.
You are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry, gummy bears.