I don't know if I can believe it's already been a month since my dad passed away. It seems like time keeps rolling on by without hesitation, but at the same time it feels like my dad has been gone for a while now. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about my dad in respect to the time that he's been gone.

I'm grateful for the people who've reached out and helped my family through this, and especially to my math professor who talked with me personally about what I'm going through as he has gone through this just last year (our dad's died just a year and a day apart). A couple weeks ago, before Thanksgiving break, he said to me, "Maybe one day you can tell me all the good things your dad has done for you". And I replied, "A lot. There are just too many things to say." But at the same time, there are no amount of words that can possibly describe how much my dad meant to me. There's just no way to say or describe a person - no words can even begin to encompass an entire being or the significance they hold in a person's life. No amount of words, no matter how you say it, can perfectly relay how much a person means to someone. Words just don't do a person's life justice. And cliches are just overkill. Nevertheless, I was extremely grateful that my teacher cared to inquire about the person that my dad was.

On a different note...yesterday one of my friends said I was acting like a child since I was standing on a spinning chair (he can be retarded at times), and my other friend replied, "She (referring to me) needs a boyfriend". I laughed because it reminded me of my dad and the exact response he gave when I told him that Bernice was PMS-ing (or when Bernice claimed I was PMS-ing). We liked to throw the whole PMS-ing thing back and forth whenever one of us was being grumpy -- which is very often actually.

To be honest, I do think about my dad every single day...but some days it comes to the forefront of my brain a lot more than other days -- and that's when it becomes a little unbearable. It's still an odd feeling...I feel like he's been gone for a while now, but I also feel like his presence is still here...as if he'll come back one day.

I miss my daddy.

Good Day

Today was a pretty darn good day - one of the most memorable this summer quarter. I had the greatest ESL tutees who were hardworking and nice to be around. I will greatly miss my adorable Japanese tutee who I had to hug since I'll never see her again, and I will really miss my 54-yr-old Bolivian tutee. She's completely amazing and motivated to learn English despite the fact that it's harder for her to learn since her brain is completely developed. Nevertheless, anything is possible and age is no match for determination - nor should it be an excuse that hinders personal growth. I also have the greatest friends who are willing to help me with math, despite the fact that calculus is annoying...and I know that I'm annoying for constantly seeking help. I LOVE my friends, and I really wish there was something I could do to repay them. I'm very happy to be surrounded by the people I know and love.

Misunderstanding

There are times when people are explaining a concept or just telling a story and the listener is confused or doesn't fully understand what's going on. And this is where the ignorance or irritating factor comes in. The speaker then puts on this annoyed face or TONE that says that the listener either 1) isn't paying attention, or 2) plain stupid. HELLOOOO??? MAYBE the speaker just isn't communicating his/her point effectively -- and to tell you the truth, not many people do always get their point across in a focused manner. It's hard to be a good teacher or story teller. Some people just don't know how to explain things well. So when someone doesn't understand what the hell you're saying...maybe it's YOU that has a problem with not communicating effectively. Think about that. And don't blame or get annoyed at the listener.

Random, but I really don't like it when people get all passive aggressive. Doesn't matter if they're passive aggressive with me or not. It's immature. Just tell the person straight out that you're mad and why you're mad. No need to do little mean tricks and things out of spite...or the silent treatment. That's just looow.

SERIOUSLY??? 3 cop encounters in just 4 months. each time it just gets more and more confusing.

"Remember [that] life isn’t about finding yourself - life is about creating yourself…”
-Tim Holtz

So I'm writing this blog because I've always thought how it was sad that a lot of people listen to a song and like it because of the music without realizing what the message is. When Jacob Lusk from American Idol said he can only sing songs that have meaning, and can't sing songs just because they sound good, I was screaming inside how FINALLY someone felt the way that I did. Music is not just about how it sounds, but how it feels - and lyrics are a HUGE aspect which gives the song its meaning. Singing songs with meaning and actually feeling it makes all the difference between GREAT singers and GOOD singers.

Take for example the song "Big Yellow Taxi" first sung by Joni Mitchell, but made famous by Counting Crows. Most people think it's a love song, but it's not. Funny how almost every song is thought of to be a love song. Now I'm sure everyone is familiar with the chorus:

Listen, late last night, I heard the screen door swing,
And a big yellow taxi took my girl away
Now don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

It's repeated countless times in the song, and really overshadows the true message of how our planet earth is being destroyed due to human selfishness.

If you read the beginning half of the lyrics, you'll understand.

The next song I want to bring up is Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You".

I really don't think most people take the time to understand what she was trying to convey, but sing along to the song anyway. She wrote the song about her own heartache and pain watching her parents go through a divorce, and seeing the abuse her father inflicted towards her mom. There's actually two parts of the lyrics - one targeted towards her dad, one towards her mom.

This part of the lyrics are spoken to Clarkson's father:

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

This part is for her mother:

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Lastly, a very famous song written by the great Diane Warren and sung by Celine Dion - "Because You Loved Me" IS a love song (which is why it's commonly used in weddings). The only difference is that Warren wrote it as a tribute to her father for always standing by her, believing in her, and encouraging her in her endeavors. Diane Warren said that her mother wasn't supportive of her dream of a songwriting career, and told her to take a secretarial job.

I'm posting a condensed version of the lyrics because of how much this song means to me:

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful, baby

You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me, ooh, baby

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe, I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because
I was loved by you

You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me
The light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

Is it weird to feel a little dead inside knowing that you're favorite math teacher is teaching the exact same class at the exact same time in the next building while you're stuck in a crazy lady's room? If only she could teach...or more like...if only I hadn't been at the bottom of his waitlist...

Why is it that from time to time, when I turn on my laptop or computer, I feel really depressed? I don't know why, but it makes me feel disconnected to reality even if I don't even spend an hour online. Seriously...what's wrong with me? I have just begun to deal with my overwhelming problem of worry. Constant worry about things I can't change and things I have no control over. I also have a huge problem of letting any weird/creepy/socially awkward guy getting close to me (not because I'm mean and judgmental about who I'm friends with, but rather...I've tried to be friends with a couple weirdos and they just freaked me waayy out. Anyways...I don't know why I attract weird guys. DO I HAVE A SIGN ON MY FOREHEAD SAYING "CREEPERS WANTED?" BECAUSE I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE I DO. And then I end up blocking them on FB because I hate how they can see my whole life on the Internet...I don't know why I even add weirdos to begin with...I knew I shouldn't have added one of them...stupid stupid me), and if I feel like any guy starts to like me - even the slightest hint - I freak out and completely stop talking to them. Ignore to the max. I hate having the burden of someone liking me. I wish weirdos would stop encroaching on my life. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

ANYWAYS...WHY ARE THERE SO MANY WEIRD GUYS?? I know there are normal ones, but there seems to be quite a lot of weird guys too...

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have."

So true.

我的阿媽

Today I went in my grandpa's bathroom, which is located inside his bedroom, for the first time in a long while. After leaving his room, I stopped in my tracks and looked up at the big picture of my grandma hung up next to the door. It was a strange yet comfortable feeling...as if my grandma were still there. It's hard to describe and sounds so cliche to say such a thing, but it felt like there was a part of her that was still alive - like she never really left. It was almost as if I still knew who she was. Perhaps it was just a reminder that she really did exist, and what I was feeling was her presence or who she was as I best recall throughout my childhood until the age of 12. It hurts to think that all those memories I have of her at that house will one day diminish since there is no way for my aunt to keep the place. Since she lost her job, she'll probably have to sell the house and find a cheaper one miles and miles away. I don't know when that time will come, but I wish there were a way for them all to stay in that house forever. I suppose, as hard as it is to accept...everything eventually comes to an end. Little solace that provides.

Who am I?

Another Quarter...Still School

My life is back in its original routine. A new quarter starts once again...I just know there's more to life than going to school and then working a boring, full-time job doing virtually the same thing until retirement (or until death). I want a simple life doing something I love. Not this mundane, long cycle of going to school even though I do learn a lot. Possibly more than I ever have. But I want something different, and I want it to start right now. Only...how can I find out what I like to do when I'm stuck in school studying for my major of which I don't even know is what I truly want? It's stupid and selfish of me to say I want to go someplace else and see the world, because first of all, my parents would never let me take a long break from school, and secondly, I wouldn't have anyone to share the experience with. To reiterate a cliche...It's never about your destination, but it's about the people you walk with. Or something along those lines anyway.

I miss my relatives. It's amazing how far we are physically and geographically, but as far as emotionally and mentally...I feel we are close. It's mind boggling and hard to comprehend the body of water separating us and the time zone that follows. It's like jumping into the future or going back in time depending on which way you travel across the globe. Oh jet leg...how you make me feel so sleepy and tired all the time...but also cause me insomnia..