Daddies

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I have been meaning to share...I dreamt about it the night after having a small quarrel with my brother (although at the time it was emotional and seemingly big to me because I had never argued with my brother like this in my entire life so far...and the fact that it was my fault put me to much shame).

Anyways, back to my dream.  I remember my dad was present.  He seemed taller than I can remember (albeit he was almost 6 feet in real life), but he was so skinny in my dream...like when he had cancer.  I could never forget that.  I remember walking side-by-side with him and eventually my left hand found its way to his right hand.  Like a little girl, I clutched onto my dad's hand very tightly.  The rest of the dream is choppy and blurry.  Next thing I know my dad and the rest of my family is separated...he's apparently working in a far-away place, leaving us here.  At this point I know both my parents are missing each other and both getting more and more ill as they work hard and are physically apart.

I woke up that morning like any other morning, except an hour or so later I recall that I had had this dream.  It's so uncanny how my dream brings me to present day and it's pretty crazy how I look at my mom and see this unfolding.

My parents are no longer together - not by choice, but by nature.  I see my mom's health declining incredibly fast since my dad's been gone.  It pains me, but I have faith that my mom has come a long way and is in a slightly better place right now.

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Where this leads me is to going back to SilverLake today (Friday, May 20) and asking my coworker how her dad was doing.  I recall before leaving the firm in January our conversation about her dad with brain cancer and how he had chosen to opt out of any type of treatment.  It was important to him to live a full life absent of any medical side effects.

I expected the worst when asking her the question...and reality hit when she said her dad had passed in March.  Time really flies, but the love, memories, hurt, and pain don't ever truly dissipate.  I've said this many times before in different ways, but how can you possibly get over someone you love more than life itself?  Someone who has given you life?  Someone who has shown you what it is to love unconditionally?  Someone who has held you up from the day you were born to the lady you have become?  One of your biggest cheerleaders?

Unless you're some sort of emotionless psycho, there is absolutely no way to 100% get over the death of someone so close to you.

And I absolutely abhor it when people brush of death as something that everyone has to undergo and say "that's just life".  WELL, PERSON/PEOPLE, it doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with the grief.  I doubt you'd still be singing that same tune when someone you love more than yourself passes away.

It does get a little easier, but I definitely feel the void on a daily basis because my dad isn't here anymore.  I don't even know how my mom does it...but she is one brave lady.

New Year, New Day

It's the first day of 2016!  While it is "just another day", for me it marks a new life away from what I have known and the way I have lived the past few years.  It is difficult for me to even feel like talking about the things I have first-handedly witnessed, the things I have done or let be done, and the person I was becoming and have become because of it.  There are still things that my mind carries from the past that I do not wish to voice out unless someone truly understands or can relate to it.  Problem is I can't expect people to say or do what I would.  Simple explanation is that everyone undergoes a different path in life.  Some are a lot more sheltered in life than others...

There was a guy I once knew that told me everyone has a role in life:  some are meant to be hurt, some are meant to be the ones inflicting pain (whether that be emotionally, mentally, or physically).  I think we all do both...but the degree to which we do so - intentional or not - speaks volumes to our character.  It may be a situational type of thing, but in the end it all comes down to the same question.  Who do I want to be?

Today, when I look back at the past few years and see where I was...I am so grateful and appreciative for the people and the memories.  At the same time, I am deeply saddened by the many bridges I have burned.  I can only believe it was the right decision, even though a voice sometimes echoes in my head wishing there was a different outcome.

I don't think anyone reads this blog, nor would even take the time to read this entire entry, but that does not matter.  It's more of a personal log of my journey through this thing called life.

The past, the present, and the future are all intertwined.  No matter how much people say that a new year means starting anew...I simply cannot believe that.  New years resolutions have never been effective for me.  It really is about now or never -  no matter what day of the year it is.  And who we are before, what we have experienced in the past, are all contributing factors of what makes us who we are today.  How could we possibly forget that?  Of course I do not mean that we should linger on all the blame or guilt or shame of "this-person-has-done-me-wrong", but should acknowledge what has happened and how we have changed (for the better or for worse) because of it.  Until we face the truth can we make effective steps to move closer towards the person we want to be.

I have resolved that I do not want to chase after the wrong things anymore.  I am done with the heartbreak and the feeling of insecurity or worthlessness that comes from it.  Even though I do mean well, it is not right for me...and what is not right, always turns into a disaster.  Time and time again history repeats itself.  It may manifest it in different situations, but the outcome is always the same.

I meant to write this post really on something else...but it's getting too long so I guess I'll just enter a new post later on to say what I really wanted to voice out.