"You don't know about real loss, because it only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself"
-Good Will Hunting

My sentiments exactly.

Something a friend told me yesterday:  Friendship shouldn't require maintenance.  Good friends are just there to listen when they are needed.

That does have a purpose, but I've exhausted all my complaints now so I really don't need to explain the above statement.

The main thing is that I've been extremely quick tempered and hell of a lot angry and disappointed and sad.  This past month hasn't been good to me emotionally, and a few people have suggested I see a therapist.

Today I actually ran into an old friend who asked me how I was dealing with my grief.  I was surprised at how easy and candidly the answer came to my mouth when I responded "I'm not;  I really don't know how to".  And she, I feel, honestly understood and could relate to what I was going through.

Ironically, today my mom randomly confessed that she misses my dad and that the past 2 weeks have been hard for her - that she's cried more than usual.  We're all still grieving. 

People say things will be okay.  Hell, I used to think that way when I saw on TV (and I do see this a LOT)  when people cried saying their dad died X years ago.  I would have some degree of empathy, but I used to think "they should be over it by now...".  But now I see how very, very, very naive and ignorant I was.  Of course, you can't have true empathy unless you've been in the same situation.  I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a parent at such a young age, and I am very grateful to have lived with my dad for 20 years.  However, it still feels so short lived.  I wish I could physically see him again, touch him again, and have a conversation with him again.  There are questions I want to ask that he would only know the answer to, questions that hadn't even cross my mind until after his death.  Moreover, don't you dare tell me you feel the same when your dad passes away when he was able to see you graduate college, get married, and have kids.  It's not the fucking same.  But I have to be thankful for what I did get with him, and I am.  I would have gladly taken his place and be the one in the crypt instead of him.  I remember telling a friend a few years ago: "I'm selfish.  I want to die before either of my parents so that way I don't have to deal with the pain.  I don't know how I could live without either one of them".  My dad gave me a strong sense of security.  It wasn't until he got sick and passed away did I feel vulnerable and scared.  His presence and knowing he was around was comfort in itself.  He was my rock. 

And even at 20 yrs old when he passed, I felt like a little girl.  I remember my dad always wanting me to be more mature.  Little did he know that his death forced me to grow up.  However, I wouldn't say I'm lost.  I feel more like I'm wandering, trying to find a place (literally & figuratively speaking) where I can be happy again.  

I was watching a Hallmark TV movie the other day called "A Taste of Romance".  It was an okay movie (obviously a family film), but the part that stuck with me the most was when a young daughter was talking to her widowed father.

Daughter:  I can't hear her [the mom's] voice anymore.
Dad:  What?
Daughter:  I can't remember her voice telling me to brush my hair,.....(i forgot the rest of the lines)
Dad:  Your mind forgets some things so that your heart doesn't keep breaking every time.

The words aren't exactly word for word how it was in the film since I have bad memory, but it is the jist of the conversation that happened in the movie.

Of course, I was balling my eyes out during the scene.  Nevertheless, that was the most beautiful way of putting something that so many people gravely struggle with.  I remember my math professor telling me that he still can hear his dad's voice (and this year marks the 2nd year of his dad's passing).  I feel like I can still hear my dad saying my name, but that's about it. 

Anyways,  I'm sorry to the friends I have who have had to deal with my complaints.  But thank you for listening to me.  Thank you so damn much for being by my side.  I confide in you because you guys are the only ones I feel I can talk to.  You don't offer me any unwanted advice, you take the time to let me get out all my feelings before even interjecting, and of utmost importance -- you guys really do know how to listen.  Listening is a skill, a skill that whole lot of people don't have.  I'm extremely grateful to know I can turn to you.  I feel safe enough to reveal the dark side of me to you :P  I know it's not pretty...but thanks for not judging me.

I feel like this past week has been a pretty low for me...and there's no one to even tell.  I don't even know if I wanna talk about what has been going on in my brain because it seems so trivial, yet I know it's because of something significant that happened.  To put it simply, people press my buttons and I go haywire.  I hate the way people treat me.  Before I would keep it in...but when it's your family member treating you like shit, you should be able to confront them.  And I did it in an immature way to let her get a taste of her own medicine.  She's PMSing, no doubt about that at all.  I didn't even need to see the pads in the bathroom (which I did end up seeing anyway).  My choice of words obviously aren't something a little kid should hear.  I could've done much more damage, but that would be so evil.  Sometimes I do feel evil though.  It's like provoking a sleeping tiger -- there's no way to control what will happen next.  And I went kinda crazy, I do admit.  But I decided several days ago that I wasn't gonna let her get away with talking to me that way again.  And when I walked into the house seeing her, I didn't plan on speaking with her.  When she said those same words to me she just did earlier this week when I saw her, I blew up.

God...I'm so full of disappointment, anger, sorrow, strong dislike in my life right now.  So tired of living this life I'm living.  I want something greater than this -- something more meaningful...with people that are worth it.

Sometimes I feel like people are just full of shit.  Everyone is to an extent.  No one's perfect anyways.  And that's what gets to me.  I WISH there was someone that WAS perfect.  I don't know why...maybe so I know there's one person that is only full of good.

But there's not such a person.  I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

And I just have to say that the last quote between Susan and the Reverend was exactly how I have felt and still do feel.  Yaya...everyone's tired of me talking about my dad, but I feel like no one really, truly understands.  When writing his eulogy, I swear I went through many drafts of editing within a 24 hrs period.  Heck, I only HAD 24 hrs to write it because the funeral was like the second day after he passed.  Anyways...there really is no way to summarize someone's life in a mere 3-5 minutes.  Not when you spent what seemed to be the best years of your life with them.  Not when you cared and valued the person more than your own life. 

Desperate Housewives

Over the past few years (or whenever it was that I first started watching Desperate Housewives from Epsiode 1), I've saved quotes that I just loved, are my own mantra, and what I have always believed.  No one could have said it better or done it better in the script than the writers of Desperate Housewives.  I feel it's only suiting to commemorate one of my all-time favorite TV shows by finally posting my collection of quotes over the years. 

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Narrative of a particular episode:  "it's not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. sinners can surprise you. and the same is true with saints. why do we try to define ppl as simply good or simply evil? Bcuz no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart. And that anyone is capable of anything."

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Gaby:  "You know Carlos, I've been broke a lot of times in my life. But I have never been poor - because poor is just a state of mind."

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Bree: What did you say?
Andrew: I hate you.
Bree: You know, the opposite of love isn’t hate – it’s indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care. And we’re still connected.

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Roy:  “when u love somebody. Love them a long time. U get… lazy. You figure they know it, so u stop saying it so much - stop showing it. When you know ur gonna lose em, that they wont be there to hear u say it... U make damn sure they know it every second of every day.”
Susan:  “I’m so sorry I brought it up”
Roy:  “Naw, these? I earned them. I was there for Mariam. I told her everything I needed to tell her. Held her hand when she was scared. These (referring to the tears) don’t bother me at all”

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Susan:  I just don’t know what I would say that would be enough.

I don’t know how to tell ppl what kind of man Mike was.  What kind of father, husband, and friend he was.  I just never thought I’d have to sum up his life before he was done living.  

Reverend:  It’s going to be okay

Susan:  Please reverend, if there is one thing that I know for sure at this moment it's that nothing is ever going to be okay again. 

FAFSA

Just now I was filling out the FAFSA 2012-2013 form, and it came to "What is your parents' martial status as of today"? Didn't think I'd get emotional from selecting "Widowed" and having to answer "When did your parent become widowed"...