Wave of Emotions

Dear Blog,
This window has been open for quite a while...maybe a good 5-10 minutes. I really felt like I was gonna say something, but I don't know what to say for I don't even know what I'm feeling right now other than slight depression and loneliness. I know EVERYONE feels this way from time to time, but that doesn't make me feel any better...at all. To be honest, I think going back to school made me face the reality of everything. It made me realize how much sophomore year sucks - just like I expected. If my sophomore year of middle AND high school sucked...Why should college be any different? It's like a curse that I anticipated. But I was HONESTLY hoping for the best. When I was working, I was too exhausted to think about anything. Too tired and busy to dwell or reflect on my true fears. Anyways...I really much rather be working full time than going to school. I've been sooo fortunate to have great co-workers and bosses that care about me in the two jobs I've acquired so far (for the most part at least). And the pros are...I get paid for being there and my job doesn't require me to do extra work once I get home. Ok, the main thing is...I want a change to happen. I want to actually LIVE for myself and not worry about trivial things. There's just so much I want to do. I want to take a year off and teach English in South Korea, and the year after that, teach English in Taiwan. I want to open my own shop of some kind. I want to fight for justice and become a private investigator, or work as a detective at some police station. I want a change of setting and a change of lifestyle. You know, SO MANY people have been giving me a hard time about going to junior college and how that's not a "real" college experience. I can't say I regret my choice, but I honestly couldn't see myself anywhere else. Maybe that's my problem. I'm only comfortable with doing things I can picture - although what I've done during this summer says otherwise. It is easier to be spontaneous than to picture your future. It's funny though. I feel like I'm really old since I can remember a lot about my childhood. It's hard to believe I used to be as big as a watermelon. Just thinking back on those years seems like gazing through a telescope - a view extremely distant and unimaginable. I really hope this quarter doesn't treat me too unkindly. The first week already has been kind of rough. I'm really not looking forward to 6 essays, 2 of which require interviews, and 3 of which are due around the same time. Not looking forward to 12 hrs of community service related to politics either. I know I can get through this crap though -- I always do. Which is a funny concept. Humans are the only animals that put themselves through dangerous or risky situations. We're also the only animals that do stuff we don't want to do. How great would it be to be a strand of grass in some park? To not have to worry about anything...ever.