New Year, New Day

It's the first day of 2016!  While it is "just another day", for me it marks a new life away from what I have known and the way I have lived the past few years.  It is difficult for me to even feel like talking about the things I have first-handedly witnessed, the things I have done or let be done, and the person I was becoming and have become because of it.  There are still things that my mind carries from the past that I do not wish to voice out unless someone truly understands or can relate to it.  Problem is I can't expect people to say or do what I would.  Simple explanation is that everyone undergoes a different path in life.  Some are a lot more sheltered in life than others...

There was a guy I once knew that told me everyone has a role in life:  some are meant to be hurt, some are meant to be the ones inflicting pain (whether that be emotionally, mentally, or physically).  I think we all do both...but the degree to which we do so - intentional or not - speaks volumes to our character.  It may be a situational type of thing, but in the end it all comes down to the same question.  Who do I want to be?

Today, when I look back at the past few years and see where I was...I am so grateful and appreciative for the people and the memories.  At the same time, I am deeply saddened by the many bridges I have burned.  I can only believe it was the right decision, even though a voice sometimes echoes in my head wishing there was a different outcome.

I don't think anyone reads this blog, nor would even take the time to read this entire entry, but that does not matter.  It's more of a personal log of my journey through this thing called life.

The past, the present, and the future are all intertwined.  No matter how much people say that a new year means starting anew...I simply cannot believe that.  New years resolutions have never been effective for me.  It really is about now or never -  no matter what day of the year it is.  And who we are before, what we have experienced in the past, are all contributing factors of what makes us who we are today.  How could we possibly forget that?  Of course I do not mean that we should linger on all the blame or guilt or shame of "this-person-has-done-me-wrong", but should acknowledge what has happened and how we have changed (for the better or for worse) because of it.  Until we face the truth can we make effective steps to move closer towards the person we want to be.

I have resolved that I do not want to chase after the wrong things anymore.  I am done with the heartbreak and the feeling of insecurity or worthlessness that comes from it.  Even though I do mean well, it is not right for me...and what is not right, always turns into a disaster.  Time and time again history repeats itself.  It may manifest it in different situations, but the outcome is always the same.

I meant to write this post really on something else...but it's getting too long so I guess I'll just enter a new post later on to say what I really wanted to voice out.