Daddies

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I have been meaning to share...I dreamt about it the night after having a small quarrel with my brother (although at the time it was emotional and seemingly big to me because I had never argued with my brother like this in my entire life so far...and the fact that it was my fault put me to much shame).

Anyways, back to my dream.  I remember my dad was present.  He seemed taller than I can remember (albeit he was almost 6 feet in real life), but he was so skinny in my dream...like when he had cancer.  I could never forget that.  I remember walking side-by-side with him and eventually my left hand found its way to his right hand.  Like a little girl, I clutched onto my dad's hand very tightly.  The rest of the dream is choppy and blurry.  Next thing I know my dad and the rest of my family is separated...he's apparently working in a far-away place, leaving us here.  At this point I know both my parents are missing each other and both getting more and more ill as they work hard and are physically apart.

I woke up that morning like any other morning, except an hour or so later I recall that I had had this dream.  It's so uncanny how my dream brings me to present day and it's pretty crazy how I look at my mom and see this unfolding.

My parents are no longer together - not by choice, but by nature.  I see my mom's health declining incredibly fast since my dad's been gone.  It pains me, but I have faith that my mom has come a long way and is in a slightly better place right now.

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Where this leads me is to going back to SilverLake today (Friday, May 20) and asking my coworker how her dad was doing.  I recall before leaving the firm in January our conversation about her dad with brain cancer and how he had chosen to opt out of any type of treatment.  It was important to him to live a full life absent of any medical side effects.

I expected the worst when asking her the question...and reality hit when she said her dad had passed in March.  Time really flies, but the love, memories, hurt, and pain don't ever truly dissipate.  I've said this many times before in different ways, but how can you possibly get over someone you love more than life itself?  Someone who has given you life?  Someone who has shown you what it is to love unconditionally?  Someone who has held you up from the day you were born to the lady you have become?  One of your biggest cheerleaders?

Unless you're some sort of emotionless psycho, there is absolutely no way to 100% get over the death of someone so close to you.

And I absolutely abhor it when people brush of death as something that everyone has to undergo and say "that's just life".  WELL, PERSON/PEOPLE, it doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with the grief.  I doubt you'd still be singing that same tune when someone you love more than yourself passes away.

It does get a little easier, but I definitely feel the void on a daily basis because my dad isn't here anymore.  I don't even know how my mom does it...but she is one brave lady.