Ups & Downs

Today was a tiring one.  But I think tomorrow and the next few weeks to follow will be even more trying.

I've said this to Bernice, but every heartbreak brings me closer to my mom and my brother...I open up to them more (especially Victor), and I am nicer to my mom because I realize just how much I need her and how I'd be so lost without her.

Tonight I talked with my brother for about 45 minutes, summing up the past year and the guys I have been meeting.  The main thing I talked with him about was a good friend that became a little more than that and crossed the line with me.  I spoke about how 4 years of friendship is just gone because of how things ended.  That guy is leaving for Vietnam within the next few days, and is probably moving away for good.  I won't see him again, and I won't speak to him again.  I made a promise to my brother that I intend to uphold - I've got to do what's good for me even though I know once it sinks in completely, I will keep crying until one day I stop thinking about him daily.

Honestly, there are times when I want to share with him what I have seen, what I've been doing, what I've been learning the past 3 months since I last saw him.  It's hard to accept that I won't ever be able to.  I still value him.  He means a lot to me - more than he will ever know - and I am grateful for the things he has shown and taught me.  I miss his stupid humor, his advice when I needed him, I miss that time we biked in Monterey...I miss bowling, and I miss going to the shooting range with him.  

He is selfish, self-seeking, inconsiderate, needy, mean, and unavailable.  His care turns on and off like a light switch - is only there for you when it is convenient for him.  His love is only conditional.  He lies and he cheats.  In his romantic relationships he has one foot in, one foot out.

But what he has done in his past doesn't define who he is.  Even though I wish he had chosen me, I know that will never, ever be the case.  There is no going back.  There is no more hoping.  Every day that truth slowly settles deeper into my soul.

I am not a backup.  I am not #2.  I am not someone anyone should "settle for".  I have to stop thinking that dating a guy and loving him unconditionally will change him for the better - even in the slightest.

I can only hope and pray, as I did with Bobby, that this guy changes for the better.  Pray he learns to value people.  Pray he learns to be a little more selfless.  Pray he learns to love with his whole being.  Pray he lives a truthful life.

I have to continue to focus on the good in life.  I'm too emotionally and mentally drained to write out everything I intended to say...will continue that in another post...

But I will end with this:  I made a promise to myself I will not cease to love with my whole heart.  I will not stop giving whatever I can - time and energy - to those who need it.  I made a promise that I will focus on my limits and boundaries so that I will not keep giving to those who will do me great harm.

I'm so sick & tired of feeling exhausted...of giving a large part of myself to those who are not good for me.

When a heart breaks, it really doesn't break even....but...

I constantly remind myself to keep my chin up.  I gotta believe that there are brighter days ahead.  I will overcome...one baby step at a time...