A change is coming

Funny how my mind wanders to random things as I try to study for the CPA Audit exam.  I am brought back and forth to reality from my mind and I begin to think (not dwell) on the past and who I am now, while figuring out what lies ahead for me in the future.   What do I want in life?  What does God want for me?

I am sometimes left feeling heartless at how I have blocked Kita, Bobby's sister, from my phone after that one time she texted me news about him.  Despite my prior warning about not wanting to hear about him ever again, she felt like she had no one else to turn to.  I understand her feelings, but at the same time I don't want to go back to reliving the feeling of pain.  There are no more memories left to reminisce on - neither good nor bad.  Hearing about him even though I feel like I had completely moved on, brought me pain.  To prevent that from happening again, from his sister's unintentional slip of the proverbial tongue, I did what I thought was best for me.  Can't help feeling a little selfish about blocking her out of my life though...

Which brings me to a good friend I first made at EY - Tom.  Blocked him from my phone as well.  Cut off all communication so that he could move on and so I wouldn't have to be bothered either.

Then I thought about Squeegee.  Wondering how he's doing and if he's in good hands.  Lord knows I only want the best for him.  I feel like even though I loved him, I couldn't take care of him.  I wasn't wanting the responsibility, and I probably didn't love him enough to.  Maybe what I felt for Squeegee is how Bobby felt for me.

We dive into things too quickly sometimes.  Love never comes fast - it takes time.  But we get into something expecting a certain result, and when it doesn't turn up that way, our hearts break.

My thoughts are all scrambled right now, and I don't know if I am making any sense...

But I think this all really directs to the current issue I am having.  I want to and believe I am able to become a volunteer for the Big Brother, Big Sister program...but is it right for me?   At this moment in time, is that what is best?

Maybe it's just because I always doubt myself that I am asking this...but I suppose if it's meant to be, it is meant to be, right?

I don't know what exactly peaked my interest about the program.  I don't even remember which came first: if it's because I saw a billboard on the way to work advertising it, or if I randomly thought about it one day as I was sitting at the dining table.

So many doubts, so many questions.

Have to keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason - nothing is ever a mistake unless if it's one where the lesson is not learned.  I'm still trying to figure this thing called life out.  I just have to trust in the Lord.  My faith in Him has never failed me.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid.  I'm deathly scared.  I'm afraid of not living a fulfilled life.

It's not that I want to volunteer to feel better about myself.  I feel like if I could share some word of wisdom to a child, to let her know she is loved, appreciated, beautiful, strong, then she will grow into a much more confident person even quicker than I was.  If she could learn from my mistakes (if that were at all possible), I would feel like I've done something worth living on earth for.  But I know people need to make their own mistakes...I just do not wish anyone to have gone through the pain of betrayal.  That by far has been the hardest thing I've survived.

I just wish to live a life based on love & truth - no exaggeration, no embellishments, no lies, no hate, no regrets, no blame.

I do wish to meet someone one day soon, but I know I will have to be patient and wait.  Most importantly, I have to continue to grow personally.  There's always room for self-improvement.