Something a friend told me yesterday:  Friendship shouldn't require maintenance.  Good friends are just there to listen when they are needed.

That does have a purpose, but I've exhausted all my complaints now so I really don't need to explain the above statement.

The main thing is that I've been extremely quick tempered and hell of a lot angry and disappointed and sad.  This past month hasn't been good to me emotionally, and a few people have suggested I see a therapist.

Today I actually ran into an old friend who asked me how I was dealing with my grief.  I was surprised at how easy and candidly the answer came to my mouth when I responded "I'm not;  I really don't know how to".  And she, I feel, honestly understood and could relate to what I was going through.

Ironically, today my mom randomly confessed that she misses my dad and that the past 2 weeks have been hard for her - that she's cried more than usual.  We're all still grieving. 

People say things will be okay.  Hell, I used to think that way when I saw on TV (and I do see this a LOT)  when people cried saying their dad died X years ago.  I would have some degree of empathy, but I used to think "they should be over it by now...".  But now I see how very, very, very naive and ignorant I was.  Of course, you can't have true empathy unless you've been in the same situation.  I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a parent at such a young age, and I am very grateful to have lived with my dad for 20 years.  However, it still feels so short lived.  I wish I could physically see him again, touch him again, and have a conversation with him again.  There are questions I want to ask that he would only know the answer to, questions that hadn't even cross my mind until after his death.  Moreover, don't you dare tell me you feel the same when your dad passes away when he was able to see you graduate college, get married, and have kids.  It's not the fucking same.  But I have to be thankful for what I did get with him, and I am.  I would have gladly taken his place and be the one in the crypt instead of him.  I remember telling a friend a few years ago: "I'm selfish.  I want to die before either of my parents so that way I don't have to deal with the pain.  I don't know how I could live without either one of them".  My dad gave me a strong sense of security.  It wasn't until he got sick and passed away did I feel vulnerable and scared.  His presence and knowing he was around was comfort in itself.  He was my rock. 

And even at 20 yrs old when he passed, I felt like a little girl.  I remember my dad always wanting me to be more mature.  Little did he know that his death forced me to grow up.  However, I wouldn't say I'm lost.  I feel more like I'm wandering, trying to find a place (literally & figuratively speaking) where I can be happy again.  

I was watching a Hallmark TV movie the other day called "A Taste of Romance".  It was an okay movie (obviously a family film), but the part that stuck with me the most was when a young daughter was talking to her widowed father.

Daughter:  I can't hear her [the mom's] voice anymore.
Dad:  What?
Daughter:  I can't remember her voice telling me to brush my hair,.....(i forgot the rest of the lines)
Dad:  Your mind forgets some things so that your heart doesn't keep breaking every time.

The words aren't exactly word for word how it was in the film since I have bad memory, but it is the jist of the conversation that happened in the movie.

Of course, I was balling my eyes out during the scene.  Nevertheless, that was the most beautiful way of putting something that so many people gravely struggle with.  I remember my math professor telling me that he still can hear his dad's voice (and this year marks the 2nd year of his dad's passing).  I feel like I can still hear my dad saying my name, but that's about it. 

Anyways,  I'm sorry to the friends I have who have had to deal with my complaints.  But thank you for listening to me.  Thank you so damn much for being by my side.  I confide in you because you guys are the only ones I feel I can talk to.  You don't offer me any unwanted advice, you take the time to let me get out all my feelings before even interjecting, and of utmost importance -- you guys really do know how to listen.  Listening is a skill, a skill that whole lot of people don't have.  I'm extremely grateful to know I can turn to you.  I feel safe enough to reveal the dark side of me to you :P  I know it's not pretty...but thanks for not judging me.